Lately I have been really quiet and
When I first started this post, I felt that it was going to be all negative. I knew for a while that I was going to write about my siblings but didn’t know when I was going to write about it. Due to some major things happening, really made me want to bring this subject up.
As some of you may know, I have 2 older siblings & 3 younger bonus siblings. To be honest, I don’t connect with either one of them. Now I can’t point the finger to anyone, it’s no one’s fault or is it. Listening to others about their relationships with their siblings, I really do want that for myself. I do think that it is kind of too late for it. You may be thinking “No it is never too late” but you don’t know my siblings.
My older sister and I have a love/hate relationship. Some days or weeks we are good but *snaps* we get into a bad argument & we stop talking for weeks at a time. Once upon a time, I use to feel that my sister hated me because our lives were so different. My sister is a people’s person and she likes company, me not so much. I think for me I have to get a feel of people, now that I am older I am okay with not having too many people of knowing where I stay or even being around me. I see my life this way and she sees her life this way then we always bump heads. I had to realize that I and she are different and that’s okay.
My older brother we don’t have a relationship because he focuses on chicks then his sisters. My brother is an womanizer, I realize that. We barely hang out because, at 11 pm, he is trying to get laid. Just recently my brother is finally giving me credit for my accomplishments. Understanding that he is him and I am me, nothing more nothing less.
Now, my 3 bonus siblings, I have just never hung out with them & maybe that’s my fault. When I do come around them, I don’t know what to say. I try to make a little bit of conversation but me being an awkward mess, it never works out that way. Before this year is up, I do want to have a decent conversation with my bonus siblings. At least get to know things that I haven’t known before.
I also have a sister that I don’t know at all. My mother gave her up when she was a baby. My grandmother always bought it up and I thought she was telling a joke. I have been on the verge to look and really find her. I pray that she is open to get to us like we want to know her.
No matter what relationship I have with my siblings, at least I have one hell. You see so many people that never want to be around their brothers and sisters. Or you hear that some people haven’t spoken to their siblings in years. I know that things are rocky between us but when things happen, I try to be there for each of them as soon as I can. I think that sibling bonds shouldn’t matter, longs you’re there for them & love them different.
Comment below & tell me how is your sibling bond.
So in recent months, a situation happened in my sister’s circle. So she found out that one of her closest friends decided to get acquainted with our brother. Now for me, I honestly do not care but hearing my sister speak on it, obviously this affects her in a way. Well, you know my saying, I had to write about it. I sat and spoke to some of my friends on their definition of Girl Code. Let’s just say some of the things we agreed on & others not so much. My definition of Girl Code is:
Girl Code– Some code guidelines that women must take into consideration in their circle in order to stay with their group of friends.
Pretty simple right?………..WRONG!!!!!!!!!! And I am going to tell you why. What are the guidelines? Every group has different ones. So trust me I may or may not have broken some.
Some girl codes may say sleeping with a friends brother is not okay. Have I slept with a close friends brother? Yes, yes I have. Does my friend know this? No, no she doesn’t & she never will know. Lord, I bet all my friends with brothers are wondering, who am I talking about. That my friends don’t even matter the point is you will never know about it. So with a good sound mind and body, my friends and I came up with the GIRL CODE COMMANDMENTS
- IF THOU IS NOT MY FRIEND, THOU SHALL NOT KNOW MY PERSONAL BUSINESS
- THOU SHALL NOT DATE SOMEONE THAT YOUR FRIEND OR FAMILY HAS HAD AFFAIRS WITH
- THOU SHALL CALL YOUR FRIEND OUT WHEN SHE’S WRONG. EVEN IF ITS UPSETS HER
- THOU SHALL NOT BETRAY A FRIENDS TRUST. WHAT I SAY TO YOU MUST REMAIN BETWEEN ME AND YOU
- IF THOU HAS LAIN WITH MY MAN IN THE PAST, THOU HAS AN OBLIGATION TO LET IT BE KNOWN
- THOU SHALL NOT DISCUSS FRIEND WITH THEIR ENEMIES
- IF THOU HAS WENT TO THE CLUB TOGETHER, THOU SHALL LEAVE TOGETHER
- THOU SHALL NEVER LET FRIEND GO TO THE BATHROOM ALONE WHILE PARTYING
- IF THOU GAIN LEGIT INFORMATION, THOU SHALL NEVER TELL WHO YOUR SOURCES ARE
- THOU SHALL ALWAYS WAIT TILL FRIEND IS IN THE HOUSE BEFORE LEAVING. OR IF FRIEND DRIVES MAKE SURE SHE TEXT YOU SHE MADE IT HOME.
- IF FRIEND ASK HOW SHE LOOKS, THOU HAS THE RIGHT, TO TELL THE TRUTH.
- THOUS SHOULD ALWAYS SUPPORT A FRIENDS DREAMS, GOALS AND PLANS ANY WAY YOU CAN
- THOU SHALL NOT LET FRIENDS WALK OUT THE HOUSE WITH CRAP ON HER FACE OR IN HER TEETH
- IF THOU IS NOT FRIENDS ANY MORE, SECRETS SHALL BE TOOK TO THE GRAVE
- IF THOU IS IN A RELATIONSHIP, YOUR BOYFRIEND SHALL NOT KNOW FRIENDS BUSINESS
- THOU SHALL BE ABLE TO TALK TO HER GIRLS WITH NO JUDGEMENT
- THOU SHALL CHECK ON FRIENDS AT LEAST ONCE A WEEK OR TWO.
AND MOST IMPORTANTLY
THOU SHALL NEVER EVER HATE ON HER FRIENDS SUCCESS.
Comment below and tell me what girl codes your group of friends has.
Just this past week hip hop suffered a horrible and I mean horrible blow. Rapper Nipsey Hussle past away. When I say I was so hurt, I felt like a brother passed away. The sad part was just that this past Saturday, I was watching his GQ interview with his wife Lauren London & his tidal concert. Till this day as I am writing this blog, I still feel sad and hurt to the core. And to be honest with you, I kinda don’t know why. I won’t say that I was a “super fan” but I was a fan. I remember my homie “Q” & I was talking about music a couple of years back & he put me on Nipsey. Ever since then, I was listening to his music. I like how his voice was so different than the others & he had the real west coast accent. But when Victory lap came out, I felt like that was his best work. Not only I was a fan of his music but I loved how we spoke positivity in his community. Instead of getting a couple of million & leaving his neighborhood, he legit planted a seed in Crenshaw & let it flourished. You know how some rappers want to buy the neighborhood, this man really did that. He wanted the kids to get a feel of silicon valley and their learnings and teachings. When I found out about his death I literally cried like he was one of the close family members. I was so shocked like “why would someone do this, he seemed like a cool dude”. I became numb because this man was at the height of his career & was just getting started. I even heard that he was creating a joint album with Meek Mill that I know would’ve been a hit. I just knew that we suffered a huge loss in the world. He talked about flourishing black businesses. And also buying your neighborhood and bring up the generation behind you.
What really makes me upset is with the comments black people are saying why are we so sad or what makes him better than others. To be honest every senseless death is sad no matter if you a Grammy-nominated an artist or a college grad. But tearing someone’s death down doesn’t make it any better. It is okay to show sadness for someone you don’t know. I have noticed the same people who are asking why are we crying over someone we don’t know is the same ones who ask for prayer for their families. But hearing why he died really makes me scared & angrier. He was killed by a man in the community he was trying to help… PERIODT. No government conspiracy or anything of that nature, he was killed by an evil hating person. Now if you want to believe it was the government then that’s your choice, but is it conspiracy about the killings in our own backyard? To be honest, I am actually scared. Scared to be successful & come back to my old hood. Hell, I don’t have a lot of money now & I am scared to go back. For this reason right here & Lil Boosie said it best, some people would be mad & angry that you made it out. That you made something work for you, just because we were in the same class doesn’t mean you have the same mentality or hustle as me. I heard someone say sometimes we cut the nose off to save our face a little bit too quickly. This coward killed one of the only people who gave a damn about the community. And for that, I pray the community does not suffer.
Not want to dwell on his death but let’s look at what he taught us in these 33 years of life he had. He taught us about telling your story. He always spoke on what goes on in his neighborhood. Not to glorify it but to show what he made it out of. He taught about real estate, having real estate will gain more than anything else could ever. He taught about family, every business he has he shares it with his family Finally, he taught that your legacy will live on after you are gone.
Look at what you’re doing now. When you leave this earth, what do you want to leave. What do you want to be known for. That right there alone makes me want to push my writing & give my son something not materialistic. Also this has really taught me to really appreciate the people around you. You know what ones who supports you & wants the best for you.
I was a shorty when Pac & Biggie died. I always wondered why these people was crying, sadly I understand.
Comment below and let me know how Nipsey inspired you and how what legacy you want to leave.
“The walls are caving in, your throat is closing up, the room is dark”. This is what I have been feeling lately. Everyone knows that I have been dealing with anxiety and depression for some time now. For some months now it has been at an all-time high. To the point that I don’t want to be around anyone. I know some people may say that “ Jerricka be so happy sometimes” but sometimes it is just a mask. I know what some may say that hey I’m alive, I’m blessed and I have an amazing son. But having anxiety doesn’t mean that you’re ungrateful. It means that you are trying figure things out day by day. And what better way to express my dark than write it out.
I try to not let things get the best of me but they do. In the last couple of weeks, I have been feeling nervousness about if I am doing everything correctly. Dealing with my school work, trying to find a better job and still being the best mom/person I can be, life is caving in on me. Feeling that I am screaming in a room and no one hears me. Sadly I don’t even feel that I can trust anyone not even some friends. I am always the go-to person I have been down to the point sometimes I don’t want to deal with anyone. I know that because I started back writing that this will be the things I write about.
I just want my readers & everyone to know what I am dealing with. And the sad thing is that a lot of people handle it without asking for help. But I am, I am asking that you keep me in your prayer. For right now i am taking a step back from writing and being a helpful friend just until I get myself in order.
Now that December is almost over, my friends and I have been speaking on what 2019 is going to bring. To be honest I am literally scared out of my mind. I know you’re thinking “ like why the hell are you scared?” I am afraid of the unknown, not knowing if this year is going to be great or go down the drain. Now I know I have the power to control my destiny & no one can change that. When you want so much for yourself you can’t help but be driven to become better and do better.
I must say 2018 has been really awesome for me & I am so thankful. Now if you are as nosey as I am you would want to know why was this year was/is decent. Well, I am going to spill the beans. One major thing is I started paying my car note on time. Being an adult, yes this is important. Now only did this teach me about responsibility, it helps me focus on that little thing called……CREDIT. Secondly but not second in my heart, was really trying to understand my son. I have done so much for my kid, & this year I stepped back a little to let him do things on his own. Also knowing when it is time to sit and talk to him & when its time for him to be disciplined. It’s more things that he has to learn & understand but us working together we can get through it. Another one is I finally let go a toxic situation. Not knowing that me wanting friendship & companionship, I was really hurting myself…… BADLY. Having a person who didn’t let me have a place in his life making me feel like I was lacking something was not cool. I have this year spoken louder on things that concern me. Whether it’s me dating someone, and their actions are not cool. Or even it’s my family making “jokes” about my recent weight gain. I know that if no one stands up for me I HAVE TO STAND UP FOR ME. I have taken my writing seriously. I love writing and many young women and men have told me that I have talent. If this is something that makes me happy, I have to take it seriously. Knowing that spending some money will make you more money.
Next year, I do want to continue this streak that I am doing. I want to speak more life unto my friends & family. My best friend Sheka and I were talking about even though we don’t live close by. We should push each other more. I mean we motivate each other but we need to do MORE. Just the other day, my close friend Kordny said something that really pushed me. She said, “if you only complain about your situations & don’t do anything about it, then your the problem”. 2018 believe me or not there were a lot of situations I saw but didn’t do anything about. 2019, it is time to shut up and do what I need to do for me. Another thing is we all have our down days, But if you’re always negative I am staying away from that. Lord knows I love my gossip, but if that’s all the conversation consist of, stay away from me. I do also want to spend more time with my family. Start hanging out with everyone, especially my grandmother. BUT I do know if my family is going to mess with my mental health its best that I leave the situation. Start making great traditions with my son. He is getting older & I want him to remember the fun he had as a child. Continue to gain knowledge about his condition, what can we do to keep it under control. Keep pushing him more to be great despite his learning disability. Continue to write!!!! Even when I don’t have anything to write about, I still will… WRITE. I am also so excited to announce that starting January, I will be going back to school. I am so excited about it. I also want to continue to start organizing my work life as well as my personal.
Whatever your goals are, let them reflect what YOU want to do. Plus train your brain for you to succeed whatever you want to do.
Comment below to tell me what other goals you want to do in 2019.
I think lately around the holiday season I get down in the dumps. But this year I tried not to let my sadness get the best of me. Doing so, I decided to even put my Christmas tree up way before Thanksgiving. Thinking that if I wake up to a tree in the middle of my front room something magical would happen. Unfortunately, this did not work. Don’t get me wrong I am thankful for health, family and all that jazz. I want it to be shown on the outside as well as internal. I think that adulthood slapping well punching the shit outta me has made it not better either.
I think when you are a kid you just enjoy the company of your cousins. Especially cousins that you don’t see on an everyday basis. Not thinking about eventually you are going to grow up and the bonds will maybe fade away. Why do you think that is??? I know this year my family suffered some tough blows and you would think that would bring us together but actually, it didn’t. For the most part, it pulled us away. I remember my sister Nunu, cousin Della, and auntie Mia used to be thick as thieves. Now they barely speak to each other. I remember I used to be so close to some of my cousins & now I barely hear from them. Maybe the elders in our family are not here, sometimes people grow & just grow apart.
Walk with me…. Read with me as I take you back to holidays past…….
Every family holiday event the house was so packed and full of laughs and jokes. Kids were in one area, the teens were in the other and adults were EVERYWHERE. Usually, my sister and I would have to separate our times between my mom’s side of the family and my dad’s side. But it didn’t feel like a problem because we were pretty used to it. We would go to my granny house (mom side) & everyone was there. From my uncle Derrick, my uncle Robert, and since my brother lived with his dad he would come over. My grandma Dottie would be done the cooking and everyone would be in the front room watching whatever sports game that was on. Oh yeah and some V103 would be playing. After my sister & I would be at my grandmother’s house for a minute we would go to my auntie Vern’s house (dad side). My auntie Vern use to have a two flat building and it used to be straight up cracking. Kids would be running around and some of my aunts would be in the kitchen cooking kids plates. And the rest would be at the table playing cards for money of course. I just felt the love that was amongst my family & I.
Thinking about the present, things aren’t the same as they use to on my mom and dad side. Sadly my Uncle Robert and Derrick aren’t here. And my Uncle Mike and granny sadly don’t talk. My uncle Gee gee doesn’t come out either. My sister and I live not as close to Chicago as we want to be me. So that makes it hard for us to come to holiday events. Also, on my dad’s side of the family, I think its deep-rooted issues that they can’t get over. Another thing is its beefing within our family now. Most of look at what the others are doing and not what we are doing. Individuals criticize others on how to raise their children. Or sadly the vibe is not the same anymore.
I know I want to have the holidays that I had as a kid for my child. Not to think negative, but I know it won’t happen. To be honest my son won’t know half of his cousins and I do feel some type of way. But I am going to try to make the best of our traditions that I am making with him.
Comment below to tell me how has your holidays changed
You know it’s always a show that relates to your personal life. On an episode of “INSECURE”, when Issa was really feeling a guy and he basically just ghosted her. Now for ppl who don’t know what ghosting mean here’s the definition:
GHOSTING- to suddenly end all communication with a person your dating for no reason.
Sadly this is something I know all too well. I didn’t go to the guy’s house like Issa did. But if I had the chance I probably would have. You might read this and be like “damn she sad as hell”, hey you might be right. But things happen. Knowing that the majority of my readers are like me so I’ll tell you the story. Walk with me, read with me as I take a flashback……..
It was 2016, and you can say I was dating this guy. I mean we talked every day literally every day on the phone. Do you know how hard it is to get a guy to talk on the phone nowadays? And the subjects just came so naturally. We would talk about our childhood, what we wanted to do with our lives, etc. Then one day, he just stops answering my calls. Just like most women, I started to think what did I do. “Was I calling too much?” ” Did I push certain subjects?” “Damn am I really boring?” I really started to get hard on myself; “Jerricka you did it again”. You know things like that, then my sadness turned into anger. “Its no way someone just up and stop talking to someone”. When I knew I was coming to the city that weekend, I knew my mission was to get some darn answers. When the weekend came, with some liquid courage and my friend at the time Justine in my passager seat my mission was on. First, I went to his job, he wasn’t there. Then I went to his house, he wasn’t there. I think Justine must be reading my mind because she tells me “We are not going back to his job”. She was right, WE didn’t go I did. Once I sped back driving her home, I went back to his job. I went in his job, walked up to him & asked him to come outside. Not even thinking if another woman was there at that point I didn’t care. Seeing him outside, I don’t know if it was the liquor or what I just started to yell and cry. Yearning for answers & asking why. I think when he started to talk and give me the “reasons why” he ghosted me his voice seemed to fade. You usually see those things on movies because everything he was saying I thought was a lie. Either I was drunk or wasn’t trying to hear what he was saying. He was clearly talking but it was like he was on mute.
Nothing was the same after that day. Our conversations were just dry & I knew what type of person he was from that day on. He was a person who just would leave situations just open. More so, I learned something about me that night. For one, I do pop-ups and that doesn’t make you crazy. Now what you do after you pop up, will determine if your crazy or not. Understanding that, that “no one owes you anything” is a crap a bull. To a certain extent, no one has to do anything for you. But individuals do owe you an explanation. Its ok to ask the “why” question. “Why would you do this, Why did you do that”. If you feel like a person is treating you a certain way speak up. Learning that it is ok to demand an answer. It may not be the answer you want to hear but is an answer. The most important thing I learned is that I am enough. If things go left, don’t beat myself up. Just continue to be the best person I can be. Finally, maybe that wasn’t man God had for me.
I’m not going to lie, being ghosted that one time changed me. It let me have my guard up. Not saying that I have every man pay for what this person did BUT it helps me stay on my toes. Not to believe everything a person tells me.
Comment below and tell me a time someone ghosted you. And how did you handle it.
Have you ever went to sleep sad, then woke up even sadder? Have you ever looked around & felt like “Man what am I doing wrong”. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think its depression or even jealousy. I feel like many of us are pushing for something so hard and don’t see the fruits of our labor. Just the other day my friend wrote on Facebook ” I am tired of being poor”. Now her saying this doesn’t mean she has nothing. But it more so means we are just tired of living from paycheck to paycheck.
When you were a kid, how did you think your life would be? Did you go in the right direction? Are you where you want to be? Now I usually surround myself with positive friends heck I can be positive some days as well. But some point you just want to know when will you get to the light at the end of the tunnel. Sadly everyone usually doesn’t want to hear all the “high hope” things. So what do you do?
When I was younger, I use to write letters to God. I would usually say ” Dear God” and just say things a teenager might say. These letters are like a prayer, but I just really write them out. Since I have become an adult, I have really not put the most effort into my spiritual life. Which is bogus, I know. I do pray & I know that there is a most definitely higher power. Do I put time aside for God, being honest not really. I had to truly understand, in order for God to rain his blessings on me I have to give him time. Cry out to him and literally surrender all of me to God. Not just pray to ask for things.
Don’t get me wrong I am still on the path in my spiritual journey. But it was on pause for a minute until I realized that its time to get ME in order. I know I can’t be the best mom or even an awesome person until I look within myself to get me back. I decided to share my letter I wrote to God with you all:
I know its been a while hearing from me. I need help!!!! I feel so lost. I look at what I am not doing & It’s no excuse to why it has taken me so long to have a talk with you but I am here now. I first what to say thank you for being the person that you are. I thank you for giving me some strength to continue to keep a smile on my face. God, I come to you as humble as I know how. God my spirit is weak, and I feel broken. I really want to be better Lord, mold me and make me better. Dear God, fix my mind and my thoughts. Help me understand that in order my fruits (blessings) to ripe and multiply, I have to have a great mind. You know all of my wants and needs dear God. Dear Lord, remove all of the things that are not in your will. Whatever that does not make you happy, remove it from my life. Help me to continue to look forward and not back, keep my eyes set on you, God. Dear God, I thank you for my job, I may complain but I and very appreciative with what I have. Place your hand on my finances dear God. Help me be more appreciative. I thank you for my car, thankful for letting it get me from point A to Z. Help me see the good in everything I have dear Lord.
In Jesus name, Amen
Comment below to tell me about your spiritual journey.
Just a couple of months ago, my little cousin started off on her journey to college. Just knowing she was off on her journey; made me think about my college path. Even before then, my friends & I always talk about how college life so good. Like your not an adult but not a kid either. Basically, it’s in the middle, trying to find your ways of the world. I feel like if I wasn’t focused on being free & not being under the thumbs of my aunts I would’ve done way better in the first year.
I remember me heading down to SIU for the first time like it was yesterday. Take a trip with me back to August 2008…… I believe it was a Saturday & I was at my aunt Teri’s house getting everything packed. My auntie Wendy was there & my uncle Louis was there. At the time my aunts couldn’t take me down to school so my older cousin took me. Which that ride wasn’t the best 😂😂 but 🤷🏾♀️ what could you do. Once I made it down & was unpacked, I was literally alone in my room. I did what any other kid did away from home……. I cried. I sat in my dorm room for a couple of hours crying. Which I mean this was the first time being on my own. But once I was done crying I went to explore the campus with a girl who I went to high school with. I swear for me it was like a culture shock. I was so amazed, I felt that I was going to fit in.
To make my flashback short, I ended up creating hella friends & memories. Hey, I was even a part of a group that I don’t speak of anymore 😂😂😩😩🤦🏾♀️🤦🏾♀️. Understanding that my college years well year was the best time of my life. Now that I went through it I learned a lot of shit. So here’s….
Jerrica’s rules of the first year of college:
- 8 am classes are the devil of your not a morning person.
- STUDY…. Don’t wait till the last minute set aside at least 2hrs for studying for the day
- Don’t go to any Frat parties early, or you’re going to regret it 😂😂
- You don’t have to go to every party at the school. It’s okay to chill out one weekend.
- It’s ok to admit your broke. I mean most of everyone around you is as well no judgment.
- Ramen noodles are your friend… I mean BEST FRIEND.
- Lastly, enjoy your first year in college. All work & no play will drain you.
I encourage everyone to go away for school. It doesn’t have to be your first year. But I do believe coming from the west side of Chicago, going away to school opened my mind up to a lot of things…
Comment below & tell me about your first year in college. Let me know how you got through it.